Today it has been one month since my girl passed away. Thirty days since I had to make that quick decision to end her life right then and there, and not let her suffer. The crying has mostly passed, at least the torrential downpour of tears. It is still very strange and sad without her at home, in the car, at work and everywhere in between. Her presence is missed in all aspects of my life...every thing I did I did for her and now things don't seem quite the same.
I have been taking myself for walks when possible, although I envision her with me, stopping at every bush to sniff and me telling her it was not necessary to do so. Now, I tell her that she can stop as much as she wants because she is not on a leash and I don't have to wait. And I have been saying it out loud. Yes, I am serious. No, I don't care that I sound pathetic.
On these walks I have had a lot of time to think since I am alone unfortunately. And one thing that keeps coming to mind is that she allowed me to do something that I was never good at. I told her that I loved her. I remember the first time the words came out of my mouth. I remember catching myself off guard with the easy way it rolled off of my tongue. I remember smiling because it did come out so easily.
That has not always been the case. Those words spoken to humans never felt right and were always provided with a uncomfortable sensation. I have my theories as to why this was the case, but that is for another time.
During our ten years together, I said those words to her a lot. I said them in the car when she was stressed, when she was lying on the floor at home minding her own business, or as I walked out the door and had to leave her by herself. Many times they were accompanied by a kiss on her muzzle or a hug, both of which she acted like she hated, but secretly enjoyed. As I think back to our bond, I can definitely say that it was true love and that is why it came so easily.
She allowed me the freedom to be vulnerable and give her unconditional love. To trust and to believe. And in return I did the same for her. It was true love. And I am happy to say that these days those words are expressed a little easier when directed at the human species, and I know that it is directly related to my love for her.