Monthly Archives: August 2018

The Burden of Caring

It’s interesting when you find yourself in a situation more than once in your life where you must put aside your education, understanding, beliefs and passion in order to survive. It is not a good interesting, in fact it is a horrible feeling. One that makes you sick to your stomach because you want to say something, do something. But, you just cannot.

The first time was when I was in the veterinary field and had to deal with breeders and all things breeding. Being one of the only people involved in rescue as well in the hospital, I had to witness and do things that made me cry when I went home at night. This was after I left the hospital at the end of the day and literally scraped frozen kittens off of the sidewalk, or fed starving colonies that others had abandoned when they moved. This was after long days of smiling and keeping quiet so as not to lose my job.

I have now found myself in a situation where all that I positively know and absolutely believe in must stay silent yet again. How do you educate and make a difference when the whole country is unwilling to listen, never mind those you know. Not being able to look someone in their eyes when you hear them being told that their “dangerous dog” must go because of its breed. The fact that it is an emotional support dog does not matter. The fact that it may be a wonderful, happy, sweet dog does not matter. The fact that they are given only a few days to get rid of it when you know that it will be euthanized does not matter. And this is happening hundreds of times each day across the country.

What comes to mind is deep sadness and disgust that our society, our world, is so small minded and complacent in our thoughts and views. We are more than willing to follow the ignorant masses like cattle to the slaughter house. Better that than to the injection rooms and gas chambers like the thousands of dogs and cats each day I guess. There is no thinking for ourselves, no trying to be better and do better as a whole. Why is it left to just a select few to take on the burden of caring and trying to make a difference?

I have now also found myself in an incredibly sad situation where I know that I will not be able to adopt a “dangerous dog” because of our world’s numbing ignorance. My heart has been set on saving one that is disabled or old. My heart has been set on this so much that I felt like someone punched me when I realized I could not. It would not matter that it was sweet or sick, only that it looked a certain way. I am heartbroken that I am not in a situation where I can do what I want. So, all I can do is continue to try to do my part in making that difference and hope that some day I will have the chance to do more than survive.

I Love You

Today it has been one month since my girl passed away. Thirty days since I had to make that quick decision to end her life right then and there, and not let her suffer. The crying has mostly passed, at least the torrential downpour of tears. It is still very strange and sad without her at home, in the car, at work and everywhere in between. Her presence is missed in all aspects of my life…every thing I did I did for her and now things don’t seem quite the same.

I have been taking myself for walks when possible, although I envision her with me, stopping at every bush to sniff and me telling her it was not necessary to do so. Now, I tell her that she can stop as much as she wants because she is not on a leash and I don’t have to wait. And I have been saying it out loud. Yes, I am serious. No, I don’t care that I sound pathetic.

On these walks I have had a lot of time to think since I am alone unfortunately. And one thing that keeps coming to mind is that she allowed me to do something that I was never good at. I told her that I loved her. I remember the first time the words came out of my mouth. I remember catching myself off guard with the easy way it rolled off of my tongue. I remember smiling because it did come out so easily.

That has not always been the case. Those words spoken to humans never felt right and were always provided with a uncomfortable sensation. I have my theories as to why this was the case, but that is for another time.

During our ten years together, I said those words to her a lot. I said them in the car when she was stressed, when she was lying on the floor at home minding her own business, or as I walked out the door and had to leave her by herself. Many times they were accompanied by a kiss on her muzzle or a hug, both of which she acted like she hated, but secretly enjoyed. As I think back to our bond, I can definitely say that it was true love and that is why it came so easily.

She allowed me the freedom to be vulnerable and give her unconditional love. To trust and to believe. And in return I did the same for her. It was true love. And I am happy to say that these days those words are expressed a little easier when directed at the human species, and I know that it is directly related to my love for her.